Saturday, September 12, 2009

The Complexity of HER – The Finale

So this is the final chapter about HER. If you haven’t read part 1 and part 2, you DEFINITELY need to read those posts first in order to understand this post.

The Last Date

Sometime after the second date, I called HER and schedule for another time to go out. It was about two weeks and counting until she was set to return to South Africa, and I could feel like we were heading to a critical time in our situation. Neither of us wanted to be 100% direct, but that was okay for that moment.

So when I called HER concerning our next date I had something special planned in my dating bag of tricks. I called HER with this requirement for our date. Each of us had to come up with 3 questions that the other person had to answer. This was one of the classic getting to know you games that I learned from a comic I once read. It is one of those games that, with the right person, can last all night long.

The Outing

So met at a pastry and coffee shop near Yaffo street in Jerusalem on a Thursday night. I arrived after her, and saw here sitting at one of the corner seats. We exchanged our greetings and proceeded with the small talk and from there we went into our 3 questions. As the time went by we learned even more about each other and neither of us wanted the time to end. I remember how cute she was, especially when a certain song by the 1980’s group the Police came on. It was her favorite from the group and she kept doing this cute little back and bouncy dance as she sang the words to the song. I kept thinking to myself how much I would love to see her like this for the rest of my life.

We sat there exchanging our joys, our ups, our downs, and victories in life over pastry tee and wine. Since I was paying she asked if it was okay if she had wine, of which she had 3 glasses. Yet, she said that it may not be a good thing since she may end up doing something she would regret. The time came when the waiter informed us that it was midnight and they were closing. As we left I told her I would drive her home to Katemon. As we walked to my car the wine kicked in and I took her arm under mine and told her that I was there for her. I noticed that the emotion on her faced changed to partial comfort and partial concern.

When we finally arrived at my car we began to talk about destiny. She implied that it was not fair that she was leaving when she finally met someone who was so much like her. I tried to comfort her by telling her that it was okay, and that we have to play the cards we are dealt. I wanted to say anything that would make her feel better, even I didn’t really buy into myself. I remember the look of regret on her face as I try to simplify the situation by making it seem if our destinies are not in our own hands. Much of what we were experiencing seemed so much some of drama based movie.

I don’t think she believed that I really felt the way I tried to act, but regardless she offered me to come to her place for tea, and I agreed partially because I just didn’t want to let go those moments with her. Internally, I was still holding out hope that she would give up this plan on leaving Israel and returning to South Africa. I felt that I had so much more to offer her here in Israel, than she would ever find in South Africa. Yet, if her heart was there and not here I could not stand in the way of that.

The Regret

So we went to her place for tea, and the reality began to set in that we felt something for each other, but that there was no way it could ever work. During the conversations she let on that she once believed that she was meant to be alone. I also had similar ideas about myself, and I began wonder why would could have so much in common, yet be on the verge of never having the opportunity to be together.

I held her hand at one point, and she told me that she was nervous about this and that she had something that she needed to talk to me about. She said that she had to talked to her mother and HER girlfriends about the entire situation with me and that she felt bad because it was like she led me on knowing I was looking for some serious that would lead to marriage, yet she was leaving. She said that she almost didn’t accept the setup in the first place because of this, and now she felt like she had led me on.

She said to me, your holding my hand don’t you see me shaking? I said to her, you can’t blame yourself I continued to want to be with you even though I knew you were leaving. I am the master of my emotions and I am the only one who can hurt me. I can choose to be hurt or I can choose to take actions to prevent myself from being hurt. So you don’t have to worry about hurting. I like you, a lot, but I know that we just were meant to be. It is what is. She asked me, do you say that a lot, it is what is? I said, yes I do say that a lot. She said, so do I.

I assured her by telling her that all of my life I wondered and prayed if there was someone like myself somewhere in the world. Many nights I would look into the night sky and wonder if the woman who was like me was looking into the same sky nearby or on the other side of the world. Now that I know that she does exist, I can live the rest of my life in peace simply knowing that she exists. I told HER that I know that she was that woman, and even though we could never be together I was happy to finally met her and that would be enough to carry me for the rest of my life. I predicted for her that one day she would meet a man who was the right man for that moment. She asked, well what about you? I said, I am not good with people. I only know how to fade away and become a ghost. More than likely I will walk the desert alone because that is my destiny. Yet, don’t worry about me, because that is my lot in life.

Somewhere at 4:00 in the morning it was time for me to leave. Before I left, she hugged me and whispered, we have gone from holding hands to hugging already. The way she said it was as if it were not exactly a good thing. As I walked down her hallway I turned several times to smile and wave her goodbye.

The Hard Solution

When I got home, I made a straight forward decision that I could not have any more contact with her. I could not bear the burden of losing her after developing more feelings about her, and I could not allow HER to feel the situation was her fault. I was the one who initiated the entire thing when I asked for the setup. I allowed myself to jump in, in order to not be left out, and I put her in this situation.

So I did what I know how to do best; I disappeared. I erased HER phone number from my phone, and I threw away HER contact information inSouth Africa. I did this before I memorized any of the information. It was better to hurt her for the right reasons, than to hurt her later for the wrong reasons. That was my logic, and it wasn’t easy to live up to, but that is one of the things about being a man. There are times when we have to take the road less traveled and walk down the painful path; at least that’s what I told myself.

I didn’t hear from after the last date. Maybe she did the same for the same reasons. Who knows? How could something so right be so wrong? Maybe it simply is what it is.

My Message to HER

Just in case she (HER) were to ever read this post, this is my message to HER. I am sorry that I disappeared on you the way that I did. I was afraid, the same way I sense you were, that the more I got to know you the more I would hate that I couldn’t get close to you. I did what I did because I didn’t want you to feel that this was your fault. I knew from the start what I was getting into, and I don’t regret meeting you. I just didn’t want you to think that you had led me on. Every moment I was with you, I enjoyed and longed for more, simply because of who you were.

For so many years, I forced myself to believe that someone like you didn’t exist and that I was made to be alone in this world. People had always told me the old Hebrew and Arabic sayings that Hashem (G-d) created each person who could potentially be married by splitting up one soul and that it was up to the two souls to find each other. That each person who could be together had the name of their intended on their foreheads and only Hashem (G-d) could see it, and that they could only sense when they met. After meeting you I realize that all of these have truth to them. We just didn’t meet at the right time, and as we both said, it is what it is.

It was wrong for me to put you in a position that you would feel bad about. Yet, I just wanted so much to be near you. Every moment of those three dates were like pure gold, or refined platinum; so priceless; so precious and worth more than I can put into words. Each time I was with you, I wanted more, but I knew that this was wrong for me to place my hopes and dreams at your door step. While I apologize, I also want to thank you for making me believe that all those things I prayed about in my youth could come true. This is why I didn’t call you after that last date, because I feared what I would feel when you went back to South Africa. I thought that if I played the role of the bad guy you could move on easier. Whether I made the right decision or not will never be known to me, but I do miss you and sometimes I consider that maybe it would have been good to see you one more time.

In the future don’t be afraid of being the apple of some man’s eye. You are a special woman, and you don’t have to be afraid of being happy. You have just as much right to happiness as does anyone willing to take hold of it. My hope is that you will find the man of your dreams one day and he will be able to show you how beautiful you are. If you do that I will feel happy in my own heart for you, and though it is not with me I can live with that. Do me a favor and every once and a while think good thoughts of me, the way I think good thoughts about you.


So now that all of this has been put out in the open, the following can be stated as truth. I met her on a cool Jerusalem morning for breakfast, and I wasn’t expecting much from the setup. Little did I know that what I would find that day was someone so much like myself. At that time I felt like she was the one I had been searching for all of my life. She was from South Africa and though we came from two different worlds we had so much in common, and I thought that somehow I could convince HER to stay with me here in Israel. Yet, we both knew deep down in our hearts that this was not possible. In order for her not to blame herself I had to do the right thing and walk away, making me the bad guy. This is the story of what happens when you have to let go of a good thing.

Through the good, the bad, the difficult, and the victories in life.........These are the Chronicles of Ehav Ever


Anonymous said...

Not comparing you to Kierkegaard, but this did remind me of his desertion of his fiance, an act which is elaborated upon in his work Either/Or. Oddly, doing the right thing often entails doing the wrong thing. Hope you don't turn out like Kierkegaard though, dead at 34...

Ehav Ever said...

Greetings Anon,

Thanks for checking out the site and these group of posts. I had to do some research into Kierkegaard since I had never heard of him before. It was an interesting read. I also hope not to end up like him, since I am now 34.

Anonymous said...

Wow, Ehav --

All I can think of is how brave you are to put your emotions out there in the world. I thank you for your honesty and sharing your reflections on your loss of love. I hope it helps everyone who reads it. I know you have given me insight into the male mind and hope for love in my life. I know everyone who reads the blog gets something different from the passage and it touchs the readers in a multitude of ways. I just wish I was brave enough to put my experiences of life and love out in the universe for all to learn from, or identify with, or just to know that they are not the only person feeling that way.

Something else that your blog does -- is that let us know that we are not all that different from one another. We all have a belief system (whether we acknowledge it or not), we want love in our lives, we want to share that love with others -- we hurt at times, we battle with fear and doubts; we want to make a difference in this world -- but most of all we are all on a journey and sometimes we see the path clearly and at times we walk our paths completely by faith, not knowing the next turn....roadblock.... or detour.

As for your life's journey -- I seriously doubt that it will end at 34 years of age. I see you as an old man with gray in your beard bouncing grandchildren on your knee from your front porch and sharing your sage advice and with the young men of the community.

Liz said...

I second Farababanta's last paragraph here. For someone who *gets* the human condition as much as you do - willing to sacrifice something so dear in order to be open towards receiving it down the road - is monumental. I found a lot of myself in these posts about you and *Her*. I just know that everything in your personal life will become solidified soon. Please continue to blog. Thanks

Ehav Ever said...

Thanks Liz for your comment and your kind words. I will definately continue with the blog, I still have much to write and VLOG about so stay tuned.