Friday, August 21, 2009

Cry Me A River and the Wisdom of Women

I once told a female friend of mine about how me and my male friends would often get together and discuss things such as emotions, etc. She responded, I would love to be a fly on the wall when men talk about emotions. I have always wondered about that statement, because I consider myself a guy with a good good handle on my emotions and I see nothing special about the attempt to master them.

For example, when I am afraid I often can pyche myself into using that fear to plot out the most logical course of action. When I am angry I only explode after I have thought out and planned to lose it so that it can be known that my pushover persona is only an act. When I am happy, there isn't much else there except being happy and I can be happy even in my lowest moments because that is the way I was raised.

About the only thing that bothers me so to speak is when I am around the type of people who want to Cry Me a River. That is not to say that I am not sympathetic to people's problems and situations. I just don't have a lot of patience for peoples' problems without the need to discuss solutions. I learned a long time ago that I could choose between crying about what is wrong or not working out correctly in life, or I could spend my time developing solutions and working through those solutions. I am a firm believer that if I try to search for a solution I will either find one, or I will fail. Yet, in either case at least I tried and I would rather live with the knowledge that I tried and failed rather, rather than the knowledge that I never tried. I beleive that I can make my own destiny, but that requires action on my part.

The Practical Application

Not long ago a collegue was going on with me about his problems. He is having a hard time finding a job, money, and issues with traning in martial arts. Many times before this conversation he basically went through the same spill. He has a wife and parents to support, he doesn't have time to train in maritial arts, he doesn't have the money for it, etc. After a while I got tired of hearing it, because I am solution orientated. I once told him that what he needed to do was drop the martial arts training, because it costs money, and work on finding a solution to his money problem. Taking care of his family is NUMBER one priority, and everything is further down the list. He is blessed to even have a wife to stand with him through the tough times, because some guys don't get that. At a certain point, my solution was to distance myself from him.

Maybe my solutions are harsh, but that is the way I live my life. When I have a problem I vent about it once or twice, and then I start working on solutions. I also don't like people to know about my current personal problems preferring that people see me at my best. Maybe it is also because I feel most alive when I am working on solutions rather than letting my problems get me down. I also learned to channel my fear and my anger into constructive areas of my life.

So that is me, and I understand that not everyone is able to do that. Some people define themselves simply by focusing on their own sorrows, and hurt in life and never moving past them. There are people who can't deal with the fact that life is harsh and full of its dissappointments and hardships. There are some people who can't see the forest from the trees to realize that you either get busy living or you get busy dying. to quote the Shawshank Redemption. Not everyone can understand that sometimes the best of our humanity can shine through in the darkest of hours and that is when we really find out what we are made of.

I was the same way until a woman named Mesha, that I once loved ,told me that I needed to let the past be the past and concern myself with solutions. She saw how I kept going back over and over with a situation that had happened years earlier, and how it was eating at me. She boldy told me to stop cyring a river, because EVERYONE has problems. What I needed to do was get off my soap box and deal with the issue until its finality, and move on. Looking back, I am so glad I learned that from her. Her advice has been a shining light to me, and I never got a chance to thank her for teaching me that life lesson.

Another example of this. A friend of mine is working a job that is causing him so much stress and pain. He has told me how his wife keeps telling him that she wants a healthy husband who comes home in joy, not one who is tired and has now sign of life in him. Not long ago when another event took place, his wife told him in bold words.

תקום, תנעול את הדלת, ולך לביתה

Translated that means, Get up, lock the door (to your office), and go home. I told my friend that it is good that he has a woman that is with him on that, and wants him in a healthy mindset for their family life. To have a woman who has your back like that is something else, and almost nothing in the world can compare to that feeling.

So to all the women who read this blog and you see that man that is special to you dealing the hardships of his life. Go to him one day and lift up his chin and tell him, Hey you are strong enough to beat this thing. And even if you can't I am here for you. So get up and get back out their soldier and win that war. Do this for the sake of your role in the lives of men, because the wisdom of a woman can be something else.


Miriam said...

That was a wonderful post! It could be long. lol.

I also had to learn that some people need to dwell on a problem longer then I tend to need to and that they don't really want to hear solutions. I guess its like feeling with one's tongue all the parts of one's mouth to get every last piece of food swallowed after eating a meal. Some people do that with their problems: some actually find meaning in suffering. Maybe like King David who wrote Psalms about his dealings.

(then again there are those who enjoy pity parties and passivity. Ech!!!)

Much blessings to you.

Ehav Ever said...

Hey Miriam,

So there are some people who define themselves by remaining in their blues if you will. I can understand, and I can understand if it is a private thing. I have times that I go through things that I could epress, but I prefer to not bother people.