Two years of being Israel has helped changed much of that part of myself. I no longer fear failure and I no longer am afraid of bullies. I am not afraid of loosing my job, and as time goes on I am less afraid of taking chances. So this leads me to an important decison that I need to make in the next few months after I move. It will concerning chasing after a dream that I let fall to the wayside when I was younger, and I only revisted a few times during my adult life.
At some point a male has to decide if he is a man or a boy and is he strong or is he weak? This was my greatest fears in my youth because I felt for so long that I didn't have the tools to make my life what I wanted, instead I made my life what other people wanted. Coming to Israel has changed that because first of all coming here was a dream that I developed because I knew it would force me to face my fears. I also knew that no matter what happens I would not leave Israel, except to visit a place, and I was here for better or for worse. That includes war, that includes world ridicule, and that includes the possibility of having to stand alone in order to do what is right.
So with this upcoming decision I am going to be making it at a time when times are tough all over the world. It is a time where it seems like all of a humanity is crying out for a different path that what we have inherited and that there are many people who are being awakened to their true purpose in life. I have learned so many interesting things within the last two years of me living in Israel as to where I can say that I have lived more in the these last two years than I have most of my life.
Maybe it is because I am becoming less fearful of really living, even if that means that some uncomfort is involved. Even if that means standing against the slings and arrows of all kinds of people I don't have to stand there and take it. I can be a man, pick up the closest thing to a weapon and defend myself. I can also be that man who stands up for others or provides that shoulder of support for others.
This decision that is coming is one that I have been feeling coming on for some time now. I realize that now that I am 34 I can't wait any longer to truly decide if I am going to make my own destiny or am I going to allow others to dictacte my life to me? Now is the time, and I have gained many of the tools that I need to accomplish something that gives a man a sense of mastery of his destiny and that is FREEDOM!
I was once asked by a woman I went out with once to play a word association game. The game was a bit of a psychology test. She would say a word and I would have to respond with one word, the first word, that popped into my head. I think I mentioned this story in another post. She went through various words, but my response to her on one word caused her to have a question mark look on her face. What was that word you ask? FREEDOM! What was my response you ask.....ISRAEL!
What does that mean to me, you ask? It means so many things. It means that I no longer have to fear walking through the streets at night, fearing the penetrating glances of others. It means that I no longer have to explain myself to others. It means fluency in Hebrew, Aramaic, and Arabic. It means that when I fail and I fall down, I will immediately put my hands to the ground and push myself back up. It means I no longer will accept being grouped with people who don't share the same moral outlook as myself. I don't have to accept other peoples interpretations of who I am. I am who I am, I am who I say I am, and I am the only human who gets a say in that matter at this point in my life. Yet, most of all it means Israel. True Israel is not yet a free country. Unfortunately, we are influenced by pop culture, the after affects of Western colonialism in the Middle East, the fear of becoming the Torah based society that we are supposed to be. Yet, this is our country and we can fix these things. We can be more than we currently are, but we have to be willing to stop talking about it and do it.
It also means that I don't have to accept my faults. I can choose to stop making the same mistakes, and I can choose to turn away from un-Torah like and unproductive behavior. This has always meant that there are people and things I may have to walk away from, but I am an expert in that. I know how to hold them, I know when to fold them, I know how to walk away when the dealings done.
I had many heroes when I was a kid, but at some a man has to become his own hero. When I turned 28 every time I thought of heroics I thought of myself. I saw my own face in that mirror, being the type of hero I needed to be, at least for me. I am not the most powerful, and I am not the most intelligent. Yet, I am the best Ehav Ever (אהב עבר) that has come of the assembly line. They litterally broke the mold when they made me, and no other Ehav Ever has stepped up to the plate and tried to fight the good fight like I have. Narcasitic? Maybe, but I can't help it, that is who I am.
So that is that. Next week I will work on plotting out my the possible paths I should take with this decision. This has always worked for me. I basically write out what it is I have to do and I work out all the possible ways to do it. I list the pros and the cons, the good and the bad, the hard parts and th easy parts. Then I go through it and make my decision. I won't say publically what this decision is until I make it. Yet, when I do make it will be wonderful. because I make my own destiny It will be a story for the ages, and maybe, just maybe, it will be another addition to the Chronicles of Ehav Ever.
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