Saturday, March 21, 2009

Episode 16: The Greatest Mystery - Part 2

In this episode I give more detail about how I started to figure out that I don't know the first thing about women.

4 comments:

הצעיר שלמה בן רפאל לבית שריקי ס"ט said...

Well, this one was more dramatic than the last one.. A lot of interesting points were raised too..

..you said that becoming emotional distressed by someone is more one's own falt than the person administering the distressful output, I was reminded of our saying ""; i.e. the srtess is not protection from others inflicting emotional harm, but weather we see ourselves as being affected..

I still don't really see what's meant by "not understanding women"; in these two incidents you mentioned both your and their logic seem legitimate..

Ehav Ever said...

Hello Shlomo,

How are you? Concerning the issue of not understanding women, with relation to these two stories. I will get into that answer in more detail in the next video.

In short, concerning the desert princess for a LONG time I couldn't understand why she never came around to me being someone she should have been interested in. I also didn't understand what it was about her that attracted me to her. It wasn't until last year before Yom Kippur, that much of the logic mentioned this video was more apparent to me. During the last times I saw her I had some hope that someone how I could woo her enough and that one day, even after I walked away, I would somehow hear from her and something would come of it.

Concerning the woman from South Africa. I had a feeling, before I accepted the Shidducks, that I should not ahve accepted it. I had a feeling that I should stay away from being setup for a while to figure out some things for myself. The first day we met she told me that she came to Israel on a whim, and that she was going back to South Africa. Instead of simply seeing this as the reality, I didn't really understand the reality that a person who makes aliyah on a whim can easily leave on a whim. Yet, at that time I tried to convince her that she was making the wrong choice by leaving. What I didn't understand was that the more I met with her, and the more I put that kind of pressure on her I was making her a bit scared of telling me that there was no way that something between us could work.

I came to Israel with state of mind that I was never leaving. So I didn't understand the mindset of making aliyah and then leaving. So I was seeing a reality that could never exist. Maybe, with enough pressure she would chose to stay so keep seeing her and maybe you can stop her from leaving. The fault in this logic is like a statement that a friend of mine once said. The land of Israel has a way of taking you in when you are supposed ot be here, and sending you back when you are not.

It wasn't until a few weeks after I walked away that I understood my own fault in making her feel bad that she ever met me. So what I was missing in both situations was a sensitivity to the fact that I was putting feelings on both women that didn't belong there. Thus I didn't understand their needs, or even my own, until some time afte the events. My logic for so long was that with enough wooing and enough caring such types of women would come around and see me to be a good man. Yet, being a good man doesn't equal being the right man for every woman.

Also, in the first video I mentioned how I used to chase after women who were not the right women for me. This caused me to pass by women who were interested in me, and also more than likely would have had the same outlook about living here in Israel that I have.

Thus I set myself for failure by chasing after what I wanted, while passing up what I needed. Okay, I know this is not a short description. lol The rest will be answered ine next video.

הצעיר שלמה בן רפאל לבית שריקי ס"ט said...

Have you heard of the film "she's just not that into you"? From what I understand the basic premise of the story is the same; a girl wondering why guys don't like her, who is told that the guys she's been going after "just aren't that into her". In other words if a guy really liked her she would know it, and wouldn't be "waiting by the phone".

The same is obviously true for men, I've found; if a girl really likes a guy she wouldn't be going to South Africa after three dates, etc. If someone really is "into" someone else it should be relatively apparant..

Ehav Ever said...

Hello Shlomo,

I heard about that film, but I didn't know what it was about. I will have to check that out.

I completely agree with you. I think in the case of the South Africa girl, because we were so alike. Her fear, or indecision, may have been similar to mine several years ago when I was going to Ethiopia to meet a woman that I thought I was committed to marry, even though no such commitment had been made. A few weeks before I left a woman I had been in love with for years showed up and it was CLEAR AS DAY she was into me yet I felt conflicted. I made the wrong choice and went to Ethiopia even though the right woman for me was standing at my door step. I wrote about the rest of that story here. In the end I lost because both situations fell by the wayside, simply because I wasn't man enough, at that time, to say how I felt.

I think it is possible to be into someone, but to doubt your own ability to be happy. Based on some things she said, and also based on how I used to think about myself, I think this may have been part of her issue. She sometimes she talked in a real fatalistic way about relationships. I used to talk exactly the same way. Its like instead of taking the bull by the horns and simply saying, I can control my own destiny, it is easier to say let the cards fall where they may. Sometimes when the cards fall you lose.

There is a good movie, that helped me come to terms with all of this, called I'm Through With White Girls. It is about a guy who has been dating white girls all his life, and all of his relationships end with him running out and leaving a note. He first thinks that his problem is because he has been dating white girls, so he sets out to find a black girl. What he finds though is that the problem the entire time was not about color or class, but he was afraid to commit. I had my cousins pick it up for me when they recently visited the states it was really good, and funny.