Friday, July 25, 2008

The Chronicles of Ehav Ever: All I Wanted Part 1

Before you begin to read this post watch this instructional video!

Now you are ready!

All I Wanted Part 1

All I wanted to do was to love her, yet it was never enough. I felt so blessed to even be able to date someone like her, yet I felt so cursed by her beauty and how she flaunted it. She meant the world to me, yet what I felt was meaningless. I once loved her, couldn't understand her, wanted to be near her, wanted to leave her, wanted to see her smile, wanted to see her with me for the rest of my life, wanted her to miss me; all to no avail. These are the stories of what happens when the best of intentions end without a real conclusion.....These are the Chronicles of Ehav Ever.


Her name was Annette Wallace, we met at a party in Kansas City during our high school years. I was in my 3rd year in high school she was in her 2nd. At first she didn't want to give me her number. She gave it to me anyway, and somehow I was able to keep her interested with my witty conversation. She didn't want me to meet her parents, yet by chance they saw us in the backyard talking and they loved me. She had thoughts of getting back together with her old boyfriend Jason, who was a friend of mine. Jason tried to convice me that we could both try to date her and see who gets her first. My mouth said, "Yeah! Lets do that. Yet, my mind said, that is not what I want. I want her to choose Ehav Ever because she likes Ehav Ever." To my surprise she chose me over Jason. What joy I fealt in my heart.

Just when I thought I was making progress, she all of sudden wanted to get to know my friend Vonzel. Vonzel had the looks and the charm, where I felt I had no chance. Since it seemed like my hopes of being with Annette were smashed to peices I tried to get her and Vonzel together so that she could be happy. Yet, to my surprise she caught on to this, and again chose me.

The Flip Side

When we were dating I always complimented her, but these things were never enough for her. When she had to have surgery, which caused her jaw to be shut closed I came to the hospital to see her. I even came over for New Year's to stay with her. I enjoyed every moment with her, yet I hated the fear that if a better opportunity came her way she would take it and leave me.

I remember when my mother first met her, I was bringing Annette to a high school homecoming party. While I was in my room changing my mother had a chance to sit alone with her. We went to the dance and things were great. Yet, when I returned home, after taking Annette to her house, I noticed my mother sitting in the kitchen alone drinking coffee at 11:30 p.m.

Mother Ever: So how was the dance?

Ehav: It was good, thanks for asking mom.

Mother Ever: That's need to let that girl go.

Ehav: What are you talking about?

Mother Ever: I sat down with that girl and tried to have a conversation with her and she wouldn't even talk to me. I spoke to her, she would only answer with yes or no. I asked her questions about her future, again yes and no. She was not even willing to try to have a conversation with me. I am telling you that girl is not right for you.

I shrugged off my mother's words. I mean come on, what does she know, she is a mother. What would a mother know about love? Yet a part of me really knew the truth. Yet, I kept that part of myself gagged and bound in a dark room in my brain.

Need to Replay The Song?

The Truth of the Matter

When I was leaving Kansas City for my first year of college in Texas, I promised Annette that I would stay true to her, and she responded "Why?" I didn't quite catch what she meant so I responded, "Because I am a good man. I promise to always come back just for you. Rain, snow, and bad weather are like sunny days when I am with you. I will always come back, just for you. The sun shines light in the day. The moon reflects that light at night. Yet, neither shines as bright as I do when I am with you. I will always come back just for you. I love you Annette." I wanted to show her and others that I could stay true, and keep my word.

Needless to say, Annette eventually left me when I went to college. She left for another guy, who was an ex-friend of mine. She did not even tell me, I found out from another friend of mine. During that first year of college, I called her all the time, she never called me, I wrote her letters, she never wrote me. So to test the situation I stopped doing everything for her. I heard nothing from her. It was as if I didn't exist to her. I was so angry that I ripped apart every letter, every picture, and every hope I had.

It hurt so much when she left, the way she left. My world at that time was made for her, my success in life was for her. My loss, made it seem all for naught. I walked around the campus of Prairie View A&M U. a young man hurt and alone. It was as if people were laughing at me, even though I initially kept my pain to myself.
Yet, I went on and life went on. I found comfort in my room mate whose finance had just left him. Our friendship helped us go beyond the pain, and forge of ahead. We were young men with futures, and we had to persevere.

When Annette went to college the next year she flunked out within the first semester or so because she was trying to be a party girl. She lost a LARGE scholarship all for the sake of a few good times. When we dated, she would always say she hated her mother, without any really solid reason. She once even said she wished her mother would just leave, or worse. So one day her mother caught her father cheating, and her mother packed up and disappeared. Her mother didn't even say goodbye to her or her sister, she just left. She told me after that happened she realized that for all those years that she really hated her mother, after her mother just left she missed her and wanted her back in her life.

After all of these things in her life came crashing down, she called me and apologized for how she ended our relationship. I remember her random words in the middle of chance bright conversation.

Annette - "This is all my fault."

Ehav - "What is your fault?"

Annette - "This!"

Ehav - "What do you mean, this?" (Between you and me, I knew what she meant, but I wanted to hear her say it.)

Annette - "Nevermind."

Ehav - "Look, Annette I am sorry. I know what you mean. It is not your fault. I don't blame you. My intentions when we first met weren't all that pure. We were just never meant to be ;that is all."

She eventually disappeared from my life. The last time we spoke she talked about moving to NYC with her new boyfriend. That was in 1994 or 1995. Then, as now, I wish her the best. So..........

Here's That Song One Last Time (Just in case)

The Final Analysis

All I wanted to do was to love her, yet it was never enough. I felt so blessed to even be able to date someone like her, yet I felt so cursed by her beauty and how she flaunted it. She meant the world to me, yet what I felt was meaningless. I once loved her, couldn't understand her, wanted to be near her, wanted to leave her, wanted to see her smile, wanted to see her with me for the rest of my life, wanted her to miss me; all to no avail. My mother was right, she was not right for me.

I am Ehav Ever and I am an Israeli man obsessed with the past, love, the land of Israel, and these are my stories.......The Chronicles of Ehav Ever.


Anonymous said...

I think I knew the male version of Annette. I admire you for being able to share that.

(Love the music!) :-)

Ehav Ever said...

Even though this happened years ago, hearing this song by Erykah Badu made me think about Annette. It is so funny how much of life is like some movie, and I am always finding songs that are the soundtrack.

Anonymous said...

I'm currently seeing a man that I feel, like you did with Anette, that he is holding out for something else, but my love will not let me forsake it.

I'm learning that some folks are assigned to our lives to simply show us who we are - nothing more and nothing less.

& Right now --> I'm the girl who loves the guy who isn't quite sure what he wants. When it's God's design to be someone else...I guess I'll be her, but for now.....

Hello Mr. Annette Wallace.

(Thx for this!)

Ehav Ever said...

Hey B-More Bap,

Thanks for checking out my blog. I added you to my blog roll.

I guess I have come up with a new term for the love/why am I with this person relationship. The Annette Wallace Complex or the Annette Wallace Syndrome. lol

In terms of the Mr. Annette Wallace (lol) that you are seeing. My peice of advice is guard your feelings. As long as you know what he is capable of you are at least not flying blind. Who know maybe he will chose you afterall in the final analysis.

Personally, I used to wish that I had never met Annette, but on the flp side I am glad that I did. Kansas City was a very lonely place for me, and when she chose me she made less of a lonely place. The main thing I think I would change is that I wish I had told her that if she wanted to leave me for someone else just tell me.

If she had just said that she no longer wanted to be with me, I could have easily dealt with that. Instead I was walking around PVA&MU avoiding possible relationships because I thought I was in one.

asithi said...

Hopefully time will heal your wounds. My brother was in a similar situation for four years. He thought they were progressing while she was thinking about how to move on. I knew she was not the girl for him when I first met her, just like your mom. I am close to my brother, I can tell that girl's personality just do not mesh with his.

Ehav Ever said...

Hello Asithi,

Thanks for your comments. I am healed at this point. It is has been many years. For some reason hearing this Eryka Badu song made me think of Annette and Jeralyn.

One other thing I did learn was to bring whoever I am interested to the the women of my life and see if they get along. Just as the situation with your brother it is the insight of women that should never be underestimated.

Ehav Ever said...

carolyarnelloliver said...
This was beautiful!!! This will sound so funny too you but me & Annette Wallace were friends when we were in elementry school in wichita kansas. you would probably be amazed it you see her now.....

carolyarnelloliver - I moved your comments to the article about Annette here. That is interesting if we are talking about the same person. I don't remember if Annette ever mentioned that she lived in Wichita, KS. When we dated she lived in Overland Park, KS.

I really hope things are going well with her.