Sunday, January 13, 2008

Be A Man: Tell Her How You Feel Part 3

This is the finale of Tell Her How You Feel. If you haven't already read Part 1 and Part 2 before reading this segment, it is a must that you do.

Then an unthinkable thing happened. On the morning of September 11th, 2001 I went to work and a guy in the parking lot of my job ran up to me and asked me, "What are you listening to?" I answered, "I am listening to KRS-1's greatest hits. It is a really good CD." The man said, "No, no, no....did you hear something on the news about the World Trade Center having a hole in it?" I looked at the man like he was crazy and said I haven't heard anything about that. He ran inside the building and I causally walked into my office building. As I walked in there was a frantic pace about everyone I encountered and I heard talk of a plane crashing into the World Trade Center. At first of course everyone thought it was an accident until the second plane hit. It was on that day that everything changed.


When I got home all of New York, New Jersey, and the surrounding areas were in a frenzied state. Telephone service in the city was down, and you could hardly turn to a TV station that was not focused on the situation in downtown New York. Late that night I got a call from Mesha. I did not realize until she called that the flight that she took home is the same flight number of one of the planes from the terrorist’s attacks. If she had stayed an extra day or so she may have been on that plane. It was so emotional of a time that certain other things did not seem to matter, such as emotions and feelings. Even my flight to Ethiopia set for September 12th, 2001 was canceled along with all other flights.

Mesha told me that she received my letter, yet the tone of the conversation turned more to the current events. Ethiopia had become more real to me and eventually a week later I left. Where some people due to the events of September 11th gained the courage to tell someone they loved them and a number of people were married because of it, I was somewhat in a state of the “end of the world” kind of fear. Instead of declaring my feelings for Mesha I feared the future and let my fears overcome me. I also felt that I was already committed to Rahel in Ethiopia, even though I had not made a commitment at that time. I also was consumed with finding a woman from a familiar or particular bloodline. Maybe it was also because I was not brave enough to believe that what I experienced that weekend with Mesha was real. Whatever the reason I went to Ethiopia and put my feelings for Mesha far away from me.

Mesha eventually decided to go to Japan to teach English. When I returned from Ethiopia a few months passed and I eventually received a post card from Japan and later Mesha called me. She questioned me on why I never emailed her but I didn’t have answer. She said that there was something that she needed to tell me. Her voice at this point became a bit hushed and sad. I asked her what it was. She told me that she met someone in Japan and that they were going to get married. My heart sunk a bit, but I kept enough composure to tell her that I also met someone in Ethiopia and that we were going to get married soon. We both I think faked our happiness for the other and how everything worked out for the best. Mesha made me promise not to throw away the bear that she had given me. I promised that I would not and for a time I did not.

Looking back I never should have let her get on that plane. I should have spoken up and told her that I loved her and that I wanted her to be a part of my life. I should have broken off my trip to Ethiopia to meet Rahel. I should have been man enough to let her know that the weekend she spent with me was the closest I have ever felt to being married. There were so many things that I should have done, but I did not. The good news is that Mesha and the man she married are happy and I heard from one of my cousins that they have a beautiful child. The situation with me marrying Rahel Abera from Ethiopia did not work out, and afterwards I felt the pain of someone who missed a great opportunity.

Before I moved to Israel I received a call from Mesha. She had recently moved back to America from Japan with her husband and her daughter. My cousin who she used to date always kept in contact with her and he gave her my number. When we spoke she mentioned how me and her husband were almost identical. This once again made my heart sink a bit. She again made me promise to not lose contact with her this time. I said I would, but this was a promise I could not keep. How could I be in contact with her knowing how I felt about not making the right move? Maybe it was better for me to become a ghost to her, not as much for her sake, but maybe for my own.

Coming To Terms With My Failure

Yet, I can at least say that in this case it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Mesha showed me that I could be loved and I could love, and that I was special. For this I am forever grateful to her and I wish her the best in life. In return for all that she gave me, I became a ghost because of fear. I ran from the best thing that could have happened to me towards something that eventually failed. All because I was not man enough to be a man. All because I didn't know where my life was going, and I really didn't know who I was. There are times when not being a man at the required time can cause a male to live in the world of memories. Memories filled with what if this or what if that.

In terms of Mesha, I don't think I have really ever forgiven myself for letting her slip away. Every once and a while a stray thought creeps in. Thoughts that I shouldn't have at this juncture. I wonder how different my life would be with her. I wonder how much more beautiful the Judean desert would have been to me with her as my desert princess. I relive that moment at the airport before she boarded her plane. Imagine myself yelling out, "Mesha don't go. I have been falling in love with you since the day we met. I love you, and I need you in my life." I sometimes feel like such and idiot for letting her go. It seemed as even God was pointing her out to me, but I refused the blessing. Yet, as Mesha once told me I can't live in the past. That moment is gone as the sun sets and rises, and the moon wanes and waxes I let my chance pass me by.

The Long Hard Walk

So I walk through the byways and highways of life knowing a few basic facts. She was everything that I ever wanted. She was that combination of beauty, intelligence, sex appeal, caring, and wisdom. Everything that I had ever prayed for in a woman could be found in her. Take every woman I have ever found beautiful and she was all of them in one. Yet, because I wasn't man enough to tell her how I felt, I lost her forever. So the question I now face is, "Was she the one, or was she simply an opportunity?" At this point I don't know.....I just don't know.


Lastly, my advice to any young man who reads this. If you find that woman who makes you happy, who supports you, who cares about you, and who desires your company. Don't make the mistake I made, be a man. Tell her how you feel, love her, choose only her, and don't let go. You may just find that she may help you become more of a man than you could have ever dreamed.

Coming Soon: Final Thoughts on the Be A Man series

16 comments:

Bohemian Hippie Chick said...

That was a beautiful story Ehav!It would be so nice if love came with an instruction manual. Then we'd be more likely to make the right decisions with relationships.

makeda42 said...

That was great. So often, I wonder if men have the slightest idea what love is. For years, I thought that all love poetry was a fraud because I never met anyone who had the language or the feeling. I am always glad to hear that I am wrong.

chazak, chazak, venischazek

Ehav Ever said...

BHC -Thanks for checking out the story. I just wish it had a happier ending for me. I hear you on that manual.

Makeda42 -I will venture to say all men know what love is. The issue for humanity is how do we act upon what we know. There are times that I know something and I don't act upon it. Once when I was a kid I was in a math contest. There was a question that was asked, and I knew the answer before anyone else, but I was frozen in fear and I didn't say anything. I am also glad to have expanded the horizons on love poetry. I just wish I had a happier ending.

Mes Deux Cents said...

Ehav,

Believe it or not, I know how you feel. I lost someone due to my inability to speak up.

I wrote a post about it not too long ago.

I too wonder what if...

Anyway this person now lives in Australia and we haven't spoken in years. I wonder if they were the one too.

Ehav Ever said...

Hey MDC,

Yeah, regrets can be something else. I mainly go through them in the winter when I don't get out as much. I figure though that I need to put Mesha completely behind me at some point soon.

I at least know now that if there is someone who care about me, and I feel the same about them to not hold back my feelings.

Tr8erGirl said...

Such a bittersweet story! I too have that "what if/if only" person, and for different reasons, we never ended up together. I'm lucky in that he is still a very good friend to this day, HOWEVER, we still have those "what if" moments and its difficult! Good luck!

Lisa said...

Went through this very thing. . . he didn't speak up BUT most importantly, neither did I. We are friends now - he's married - I'm divorced. We've talked about the what if's, but I have come to believe that was a missed opportunity. You remember the 'poem'. . . if you love something, set it free, if it comes back, it was meant to be.

Tcakkes said...

The feelings I have for this man are very deep, when we talk, it is like the world stops. I could sit and talk to him for hours. He is kind of shy and acts nervous around me and i can't get a read on his true feelings about me. I know how I feel about him, but my feelings scare me because they are so deep. I am afraid to tell him how I feel in fear that I might be misinterpreting his actions he doesn't feel the same about me. I his feelings for me are just as deep but he is afraid to tell me. He might be feeling just as vulverable as I am. My question to all of you reading this: Should I tell him how I feel? Or should I wait for him to express his feelings to me. I don't want to let this opportunity get away if was meant to be but we both too afraid of feeings to express ourselves...

Ehav Ever said...

Hi Tcakkes,

Thanks for checking out my blog. My personal opinion is that if you and this man are friends first and foremost it would not hurt anything to tell him how you feel. If he does not feel the same it should not affect the friendship.

I have a good friend named DeLana who I began to really like over time, yet she did not feel the same way. We remained friends because we were friends first and foremost, and as far as I was concerned our friendship didn't rely on whether or not she liked me the way that I was beginning to like her. I wrote a post about DeLana here.

I am firm believer in taking the chance, rather than looking back wondering how different things would be. You can at least be able to say you tried.

Philly Farmgirl said...

Oy, this made me so sad. G-d should send you your zivug very soon. I believe this beautiful girl must have been sent to teach you and then you in turn teach others. You have done so beautifully. You are a man, you have risen up and you have taken the time to share this story.
Kol haK'vod

Ehav Ever said...

Hey Philly Farmgirl,

Thanks for stopping by my blog and also for your kind words. I completely agree with you. The good that resulted from Mesha having been in my life at times out weights what I feel when I think about what I passed up. Maybe Hashem still has someone out there who carries the other part of my neshama.

Philly Farmgirl said...

"Maybe Hashem still has someone out there who carries the other part of my neshama."

I really believe he does. °Ü°

Siditty said...

This is so wonderful!!! It is so nice that a man can profess his love for a woman. This is truly a beautiful and sad story

Ehav Ever said...

Hey Siditty,

Yeah, I just wished I been able to profess it when the time was right. Sela vi.

Miss S. said...

What a great series of posts. Although you lost the opportunity to be with someone very special; sometimes we need to go through these things to fully appreciate our final spouse once we find them. That's all I really can offer to say :-(

Ehav Ever said...

Thanks Shona. I agree.