Sunday, January 13, 2008

Be A Man: Tell Her How You Feel Part 2

If you haven't already, read Part 1 first.

It was then that Mesha and I lost contact for several years. So fast forward to the year 2001 when I moved to New Jersey. It was a summer day like any other and I all of a sudden received a call out of the blue. A call that I did not expect, but that changed my entire reality. It was a call from Mesha. She was still living in California and she was planning on coming to New York for the Labor Day weekend. She called to see if I could offer her a place to stay. I was shocked at the fact that fate had brought her back into my life. I of course said yes that if she came she could stay with me. I was so excited that she was coming; yet there was one problem.

In about a week I was going to travel to Ethiopia to meet a woman that I felt I had to eventually marry. At this time I felt that I had to marry a woman from Ethiopia for bloodline issues too difficult to discuss. I had not yet committed to the woman in Ethiopia, but part of me felt like I had. Yet, this was Mesha who was coming into town, and Mesha was the woman of my dreams. I decided not to tell Mesha of my exact reasons for traveling to Ethiopia; after all I hadn't seen Mesha in years. Yet, under the surface I was so excited that she was coming to visit. In fact I was so excited that I actually showed up to the airport a week earlier than she was to arrive, because I didn't hear the date correctly.

When Mesha did arrive it was like a dream all over again. She was so beautiful and I can still remember seeing her walk my way in the airport. Time stopped and she walked in slow motion towards me. It was as if all of my hopes and dreams were approaching me and when we hugged it was as if I was hugging my destiny.

Mesha stayed with me for about 4 days and all I can say is that those 4 days were some of the best days of my life. It was the closest I have ever felt to being married. I enjoyed having her near me so much and I enjoyed her wit, her charm, her elegance, and her caring attitude. I wanted so much for time to stand still and never move again. Because I lived in Northern New Jersey when she came to visit we spent a lot of time alone since there wasn't much else in the area. Mesha was not Jewish, but she was willing to keep the Sabbath with me. I obviously wasn't extremely religious at that time, but I wanted to be, and bit by bit I was making my way back to God. During this time I was not within walking distance to a synagogue so we spent the day reading through the Tanakh (Hebrew bible) and talking about faith and Jewish tradition.

We again rekindled our friendship and I believe more. The apartment was no longer a prison, but it felt more like a home, and Mesha was the jewel that lit up the night sky. She did not know a lot about Judaism at the time, but she was interested in learning more. I answered what I could, and mind you at the time I was not completely learned in the ways, but she seemed open to where I was and where I was going.

I remember how at the end of the Sabbath she mentioned that at first she was not taken to the idea of a day of "rest" so to speak. Yet, after experiencing the Sabbath it gave her a real peace and she could learn to love such a thing. If I had any sense in my head back then I would have asked her right then to marry me, and canceled my trip to Ethiopia. Yet, I was not the man I should have been at that time. Also, Mesha was considering going to Japan for a few years to teach English so how could such a thing work?

On one of the days we went to Manhattan to see the sights and go shopping. We went into one of the most expensive stores in Manhattan. Mesha delighted in the look of the items, and we both gasped at the prices. There was one thing that caught her; it was a white stuffed bear that the store had as a part of a promotion. She was so taken by it that I felt that I had to buy it for her. She did not want me to, but I saw how happy it made her and I bought it anyway. I noticed the store merchants looking at us as if they could tell we were in love.

When the time drew near for Mesha to go back to California the mood became more somber. Why didn't we just tell each other how we felt? The attraction was definitely there, and we could have been great for each other. I learned so much from her, such as that I had a tendency to hold onto emotions that I should let go of. There were times when Mesha confronted me about me not letting the past be the past. For her I would listen and submit and this was something I was not taken to do for other people.

So the morning came when it was time for Mesha to go back to California. I felt a deep sadness in my heart. I woke up before she did and I couldn't stop thinking that I didn't want her to leave, but I was so conflicted in my thoughts and feelings. Why had these feelings been so elusive for so many years? Why was this opportunity being dangled in front of me before my trip to Ethiopia? Where are my morals and responsibilities supposed to be? When I woke her up so she could get ready she said she did not want to wake up. Why didn't I beg her to cancel her flight and stay with me?

At the airport we sat waiting for her plane barely talking and hardly looking at each other in the eyes. She decided that she needed to buy some postcards to send to her family from New York. She went to a store and I waited near her bags. As I sat there I felt as if my life was slipping through my fingers, but I was too scared to do something. As I looked to the right of me I saw the stuffed bear I bought for Mesha and it was almost as if the bear was looking at me to say, "Ehav what you are doing? She is the woman of your dreams......SAY SOMETHING?"

Yet, my emotions and logic were not in sinc and I couldn't figure out what to do. “The woman of my dreams is right here and I am about to let her slip away,” I said to myself. When Mesha returned I pulled myself together and it was time for her to go through the security area to board the plane. I helped her with her bags, and the security guards even let me go through to help her get her bags to the terminal. As she walked through the terminal to go to her plane we said our goodbyes. I said in my mind that if she turns and looks at me before so goes then it means something. Before she went through the door she turned and looked at me and whispered goodbye.

Needless to say I was now a man of stone. For a moment I felt nothing I thought nothing. It wasn't until I got to my car that I felt like I had made the mistake of a lifetime. As I drove home I played some of the songs that we had listened to while she was with me. Each song hit me like a brick and I noticed that that there was wet stuff coming down my face. I wiped my face and said, "What are these tears? Why am I crying?" I am a man!" As I arrived home the apartment felt so empty again. I was also very emotional, so much so I called my mother to figure out what was going on. My mother of course did not quite understand what I was talking about because I was not making any sense.

The entire apartment felt cold without her. The entire neighborhood was quiet without her. Yet, I could still remember every place where she sat, and every glance. Though she was not there in the physical she left her imprint on my then lonely life. Something was different, and lacking, even more than it was before she came. I was not the same person without her. Yet, why did I not tell her how I felt? Why did I choose to sit in darkness, instead of basking in her light?

When I walked into my living room I noticed that there was a brown teddy bear and a card on my bookshelf that had not been there before. I opened the card and it was from Mesha thanking me for such a wonderful weekend. When did she find this bear and when did she hide it on the bookshelf? It felt so good to have something from her and I sat and looked at the card and the bear for a while. As the day went by I knew I had to do something. I began to use my best asset, my writing skills, and I wrote Mesha a letter about the whole weekend and how she made me feel. I ended the letter with the words, "I say all this because I really think I am falling for you."

Want to know the rest of the story?

4 comments:

Bohemian Hippie Chick said...

Is Part 3 ready yet? :-)

Mes Deux Cents said...

Ehav,

Don't make me pound on the table again!!!! WE WANT PART THREE!!!!

Ehav Ever said...

In order to keep the table pounding to a minimum, part 3 the finale part of the story is up. After reading it though you may feel like pounding your fist on me. (sad smile)

Lisa said...

Aww, man, this is beautiful!!! And I'm not even mushy!!! :)