Saturday, January 12, 2008

Be A Man: Tell Her How You Feel Part 1

She was everything that I ever wanted. She was that combination of beauty, intelligence, sex appeal, caring, and wisdom. Everything that I had ever prayed for in a woman could be found in her. Take every woman I have ever found beautiful and she was all of them in one. Yet, because I wasn't man enough to tell her how I felt I lost her forever. This is the last in my stories about manhood. It is broken up into several parts that I will post over the next two weeks. This is the story of what happens when we males aren't brave enough to be happy, to be content, and to love.

Her name was Mesha Smith and she represents the ultimate failure for me in my life. I met Mesha during the summer of 1995 when one of my cousins was attending college in Louisiana. During that summer I was staying in Dallas with my aunt and uncle while I was interning at MCI. In the beginning of the summer my Aunt and Uncle asked me to ride with them to Louisiana Tech University in order to pick up my cousin. I went with them to provide a strong back to help my cousin move out of the dorm he was staying in.

That is when I first met Mesha. I remember when I first saw her I thought to myself, "This woman is beautiful." She was like a dream; brown skin like cinnamon, curly hair, and well built. She had eyes that reminded me of a desert oasis and she was a delight be around. She had a real fun air about her, and she was strong willed. Yet, I had to keep control of my senses because at that time when we met she had been dating my cousin. I believed in a strong moral code especially when it came to dating. As beautiful as she was I had a to keep a distance for the sake of honor and family dignity. Yet, some part of me wanted so much to get her attention. Being a man and also because of the fact that I was helping during a moving operation this meant that I had to show off my brawn and muscle by lifting heavy loads carrying them for long distances, while assuring everyone, “No, no. I am okay. I can take this one by myself.”

Mesha was also packing up for the semester and going back to Dallas. Mesha was only about a year or two older than me and a few years older than my cousin. As we completed packing everything up it was time to decide who was going to be riding in whose car. My aunt and uncle were going to ride together in my uncle’s truck. My cousin's car was a stick so there was no way I could drive it alone, since I hadn't driven a stick in years. So that only left one car, Mesha's. It was decided that I would ride with her for a reason I can't quite remember. I gladly jumped at this option.

I can't quite remember how the conversations between us started, but I do remember that we spent most of the 3 or 4 hour talking about spiritual matters and life. I remember how much I delighted at her insights and opinions on life, and think the same was said about her. As the trip continued into the evening we began to talk about dreams and their meanings. One of the topics was a dream she had that was similar to a dream I had and it was then that we both noticed the beauty of the setting sun in the horizon. Mesha mentioned that it is important to keep such memories in tact. There was a camera in the back seat so I decided to take a picture of the sunset in order for us to remember the trip. She promised to send me a copy of the photo when she settled down.

We made it into Dallas late at night, and I did not want the time to end. I can't remember if I asked her for her number or if she gave it. I do remember that she was going to only be stay in Dallas for a month or so and then she would be moving on. When we arrived at my aunt and uncles house I said goodbye to Mesha and I went inside the house. I remember looking out of the window of the room I was staying in before she left. Mesha was outside talking to my cousin before she left. I remember feeling a bit jealous.

So time went on and I interned in Dallas and over the course of my time I heard from Mesha and I called her a few times. More time passed and I came into contact and lost with Mesha several times. During this time I was still in college, and Mesha had moved to California. Needless to say Mesha and my cousin were no longer involved and I felt that it was okay to maybe see what Mesha was about. The problem then was I was still in college at the time and she was in California.

Whenever I received a call from Mesha it would brighten my day so much. At that time my life was so problematic for a number of reasons, and receiving a call from Mesha was like coming out of darkness into the light. Even if it was for a moment, hearing her voice was like a beautiful melody. Having a chance to hear from someone who generally was concerned about my welfare was like a cool breeze on a warm summer's day. Talking to her would always bring me back to that car ride from Louisiana to Texas.

Then one day I received a letter from her. You would not believe how excited I was when I saw whom it was from. I immediately opened the envelope to find a two-page letter from her along with two pictures. One picture was a recent photo of her and the second was the photo of the sunset. I read the letter numerous times delighting in how she wrote it and I would find myself often looking at her picture longing to see her again. I wanted so much to go to California to visit her, but I never could make such a thing work. Also because we would keep losing contact this proved so difficult.

The day that I received her letter I went into the lab where I worked on Prairie View A&M University beaming and smiling. My mentor Dr. Freddie Frazier and another elderly gentlemen were in the office talking and they noticed my happiness and of course wanted to know what was going on. I showed them the pictures and the letter from Mesha. I told them the whole story about how we met and how I felt about her as well as the difficulties of the situation. Both Dr. Frazier and the elderly gentleman commented on how beautiful Mesha was. It was then that the elderly gentleman mentioned to me that he believed that I was going to marry Mesha. I was initially reluctant to buy into his prophecy so to speak, but he was insistent that he felt this was going to take place. In my heart I wanted so much for him to be right because she was everything I had ever wanted in a woman. Yet, she was just so far away and my life was so unstable.

Want to know the rest of the story?


Mes Deux Cents said...


Awwww man! I want part two! (banging fists on table!)

And I want to see a pic of her too!

Ehav Ever said...

Wow, banging fist on the table huh. My public demands part two now.

Unfortunately, I can't deliver on the picture. The photo album I once had with two pictures of her got lost in the shuffle when I moved to California in 1999. When I returned to Prairie View to pick up the rest of my things my old room mates did not know what happened to the photo album. Also if I had her photo I would not post it for reasons that will become clear in the the last post about her.

So just be patient my friend. In fact if 2 other people demand the rest of the story soon, by banging of fists on tables, I will post part 2 on Monday. (smile)

Tr8erGirl said...

Patiently awaiting part 2!!

Bohemian Hippie Chick said...

This is a very intriguing story Ehav.

Siditty said...

What a wonderful story!!!!!