Sunday, August 12, 2007

Why Do Men Cheat? Part 1

There were two situations that got me started on creating this blog. One was the Imus situation in America in early 2007, but the first was when I saw a topic on several blogs concerning why do men cheat. Most of the blogs where I found this topic tended to be African American, yet this issue can be found everwhere in the world. So being a man, and having observed friends of mine who cheated I feel that I would like to put my opinions in on this topic. At the outset I must admit that I find several problems with this question when women ask it, that I will address.

This will be a three or four part article.

  • Part 1 is the baseline issue
  • Part 2 will deal with the characteristics of men,
  • Part 3 will deal with what woman can do to change the situation,
  • If I do a part 4 it will deal the heroes I grew up with as examples of good men.

First off the question, as I have found it stated, is often too broad. I have found that narrowing it down can help women find the answer they seek individually. The better question is, what distinguishes a man who cheats from a man who does not cheat? Another way to rephrase this is, Why do some men cheat while others do not? If you deal with it from that angle you can then analyze the differences between men who cheat and those who do not. As a man who does not cheat, I can say that I was raised not to cheat. In the society I come from finding a good woman and marrying her is one of the highest goals for a man. There is ancient Jewish saying, "A man who is 19 and not married it is almost as if he is living in sin." Another saying they had in West Africa wask,"A man without a wife, is a man without a house."

Since I was a kid my heroes were men who were married and treated their wives with the highest level of respect. For me to go against that would be like going against my own DNA. The other thing is that I have free will. I made a conscious choice that I would follow the culture I grew up with, and I decided that I wanted to follow in the footsteps the heroes I grew up with. This also means that I am selective in the woman I would decide to be with. She would also have to be in a similar cultural path as me. I think if you look at it from this stand point, you will see that the issue isn't, "Why do Men Cheat" but instead "How does a woman avoid men who have a nature of cheating?"

The next missing element is for each woman to analyze her own choices in relationships. Are there specific flaws in their own personality or views that cause them to gravitate towards men more prone to cheat? Could be that they grew up with a father who cheated? Is it possible that they have passing up good men because said man was not exciting enough and they have been chasing after men who have more potential for cheating? I had a conversation with one of my older cousins who has never been married. One of the things she admitted was there was once a guy that liked her, but she considered him to not be exciting enough. No matter how much he tried to show her that he cared about her, she spurned his advances for guys who were living the high life. This guy even was liked by her parents, but this was not good enough for her. At some point this guy stopped approaching her and life went on. Years later she stopped going after the guys who were living the fast life and she wanted to settle down. Yet, by that time all of the guys knew they had the power to play games with her. She longed to find the guy that once was so interested in her, but when she caught up with him he was already happily married. By passing up a good guy early on she may have missed a prime opportunity for happiness.

Another major issue is when a person (male/female) has a pattern of never having a stable 1 on 1 relationship they live with unrealistic expectations of whatever relationship they are in. It is possible by habit the idea of cheating becomes easier to act upon, as compared to the idea of logically thinking things through and coming to the conclusion that the one you are with is more valuable then the ones your not with. This has been the case with guys I have know who cheat on their girl friends. Somewhere in their youth they became accustomed to either dating or sleeping with sevreal different women. As they went from high school to college they continued in this behavior, and some of them when they became married never let go of this behavior. There are some men who live their lives this way, but then they find the right woman and change because of her.

Mint Condition: What Kind of Man Would I Be

So how does one distinquish cheating characteristics in a person? That is the easy part. You have to know what you want, and you have to be willing to ask the right questions up front. For example:

  • How many people have you dated?
  • Why did each relationship end?
  • How many people have you slept with?
  • How would you define your personal morality?
  • What do you respect most about your parents?
  • Is it possible that I can meet your family?

These kind of questions may seem a bit forward, but it depends on what you may be expecting out of a relationship. If you are lookig to just date someone and every once a while sleep with them, that is outside of the scope of what I will be dealing with. Yet, if you are looking for a good person, who does not cheat, so that you don't waste your time you need to do your home work on yourself. You also need to have no shame about making the interested party prove themsevles. Part 2 will be coming soon.


Miriam said...

nu? so what about shidduchim (matchmaking) for you???

rebelwithacause said...

Very interesting post.

Almost all the men in my family are men who don't cheat. Like yourself they were brought up not to cheat.

As young woman, I always thought that all men are like that since that was what I saw in my family.

A lot of women think that a man cheats cause they are missing something within themselves (ie they are not beautiful enough etc) and that's why men are cheating on them. However this is far from from the truth. Men cheat for various reasons.

I don't think women can change a man who cheats. The best thing to do is to leave him. A man who cheats will always cheat. The only man you can change is in diapers.

A man who does not cheat has certain characteristics. As a woman this is what I found out so far:

Non-cheating men are not party animals. They like to socialize but not like the cheating guys.
Non-cheating guys have different hobbies than the cheating guys.

Anyways I am not going to make this a Megilah lol but after a good two-three weeks you can usually make out if someone is the cheating type. Cheating men usually act shady. (not reachable by phone at weird times, late night parties, working overtime on the weekends etc)

I have added you to my blogroll and would appreciate it if you would too (If you find my blog interesting that is)

Tr8erGirl said...

Great post as usual! You brought up the question of changing as you think "Once a cheater always a cheater" is accurate, generally speaking? And who among us will write the "Why Do Women Cheat?" post? hmmm......looking forward to part #2!

Ehav Ever said...

Miriam - All in due time.

Hello Rebel - I agree with you 100% and I will dealing with some of your points in part 2. I have had your blog to my list and thanks for adding mine.

Tr8erGirl - In terms of can a cheater change? That all depends on the cheater, and who they choose to be. I believe in free-will, and that even with a damaged background a person can break free of it, but that person has to choose that path. I will cover some of this in part 2.

Carmin said...

I agree with this writer. This young has made some excellent points. He is so right when he says:

1. Men cheat for various reasons which have nothing to do with the woman they are cheating with.

2. Women have to take a good hard look at themselves to see if they are continually attracting the wrong men.

Excellent points to ponder.

kfoster_1723 said...

I think that many cheaters are influenced by the media of today. Cheaters are immoral people, and people are now taught that being bad is good. Here in America, the public schools, television, and movies are having a negative impact on morals. People are taught to disregard the old values. Everything must be exciting to them.

My two best friends do not cheat on their wives, and I do not cheat either. There is one common thread between us. First, we hardly watch any TV. Second, we like to read. Third, we think for ourselves. Fourth, we are not obsessed with sports. Are these things part of being apart of the crowd, where cheating is a fact of life? I don't know, but we are very different from many others in our area.

Kirby Foster

diva said...

Excellent, I look forward to the whole series. ditto what carmin pointed out.

Ehav Ever said...

Thanks for all of your comments. I agree with all of you. There are a number of reasons and a number of signs. Well, part 2 is up, and I am working Part 3 and Part 4.